Karate Guy

April 1st, 2007 . by contemptster

I refuse to be a victim. Since I was a fetus, I have trained in the martial art of karate (pronounced carr-ah-TAY). I front kicked my way out of the womb and never looked back. By the age of 2, I was breaking cinder blocks in half with my head. By 11, I was already a twelve time national karate champion.

Every waking moment of my 41 years has been spent preparing for hand-to-hand combat. And when I’m sleeping, nine out of ten times I’m faking just in case I’m attacked.

Fortunately, I’ve never had to use my karate skills in a real world scenario, but I take no chances because you never know when the 7-Eleven clerk or the Fed-Ex guy will turn on you. While they’re ringing up my order or asking for my signature, I am picturing dozens of possible scenarios in which I’d have to take them down. Before you can say “try our Slurpees,” I could effortlessly take you out of the equation with a fast back walkover kick, hyper 540 twist, voo do morcego and end your flabby, undisciplined life with a mortal de frente.

Go ahead. Take a shot. Please? I’ll give you a free punch. Seriously come on. I need this!

Likes: www.chucknorris.com, watching Silent Rage (1981) over and over, masturbating.

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While you’re there, crane kick the Helmet Fighter.

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