Toolsday is for the Dog’s (Owner)

April 10th, 2007 . by contemptster

Note: Thanks to Bryan “Total Tool Tuesday” will now be called “Toolsday”.

Here’s a Toolsday message for dog owners everywhere, “time to get a fucking grip.” It’s high time you start thinking about re-joining civil society and start acting like sane, capable adults because these smelly beasts you stroll around with are starting to make you look bad. Well, not bad. They’re starting to make you look like complete fucking tool bags. Shit’s getting hectic out there people, and I’m speaking literally and figuratively.

“But you’re old and crotchety and this website is negative and condescending. I can do what ever I want,” Dog Owner says.

You may be right, but seeing how you’re a dog owner, thus making you utterly insane and inconsiderate, your complaints sound like this to me, “flah, flah, flah, flah.” The people you know can deal with your entitlement issues, but not strangers, and certainly not strangers dealing with your dog’s entitlement. I don’t like your dog. I don’t think he’s cute. I don’t think she’s smart. I don’t think he’s personable. The “paw” command is kind of cool, but doesn’t make up for things. I’m barely dealing with your dog on the most basic of levels, so don’t push the envelope with your crazy dog owner bullshit.

Like for example, yesterday at LaGuardia Airport, I saw a man trying to get his puppy to take a shit on a mat in the handicap stall. You read that correctly. A grown man stepped into the handicap stall and placed a shit mat on the floor. Then he took his tiny little puppy out of its carrying case, without a leash, and tried with no success whatsoever to get it to relieve itself on the mat.

The dog, without its leash, was running everywhere. People getting off long flights were forced to wait for a stall designed exclusively for humans because some douche was trying to get his puppy to make a doody. I mean, I don’t even know where to begin here.

“But I don’t do that. I’m a good dog owner,” Dog Owner says.

How do you know you’re a good dog owner when you’re not around your dog all day long? When you’re at work your dog sits at home and barks all day long. It barks at the mailman. It barks at kids walking down the street. It barks at mothers taking babies for a stroll. It barks and causes other dogs to bark. They create noise constantly.

Yesterday, in North Denver, a neighborhood like any other, a simple step towards a home with a dog caused a chain reaction that got the entire neighborhood into a bark fight. If you lived there it would be impossible for you to hear anything other than incessant barking. It really makes you consider hitting up the gas station for some tasty anti-freeze…

“Come on now, that’s not even funny to joke about. My dog is silent and a perfect angel!” Dog Owner says.

Let’s get back to the shit for minute. Other sites cover this much better than ours, but New York City is under siege by dog owners who refuse to pick up after their dogs. Sidewalks are littered with so many poop mines, that if Princess Diana were still alive she would be working with the children of this city. There is a new urban terrorist and its name is Dog Owner. Last summer I almost cracked my head open while walking down a dark side street. Not because I slipped on a wayward banana peel, but because some fuckwad didn’t pickup their dog’s shit. This needs to stop, and the only way is if we, as rational adults, do something about it.

Welcome to the Tool Room, Dog Owners. Maybe the VCAST Fallout Fan-Boy can give you a spot.