Premature Exazperationz: 4 Tha Kidz

May 11th, 2007 . by contemptster

For those of you who were able to understand my mumbled, rushed, and utterly incoherent “shout-out” for Contemptster at last night’s Brooklyn Blogfest (yeah, Chris, I went to a blogfest want to make something of it?) and are making your way here for the first time, let me introduce our weekly feature Premature Exasperations written by Bryan, our contributer and fetcher of coffee. And be sure to checkout our FAQ, About Us, and What’s New sections as well.

This week Bryan tackles a music industry scourge that’s sweeping the nation.

Now That’s What I Call KIDZ (Sucking)!
By Bryan

kidzbopgold If a lady propositioned me right now to help her make a baby, I’d probably say yes. I’m a big fan of kids. They are cute, they teach responsibility, they believe anything you say, and they say the absolute craziest shit (“I want a glass of Drain-o…I want Drain-o NOW!”). Plus, as an adult, you could imagine that you are smarter than most of them.

Perhaps not the case with the unimaginably idiotic adult creators of the music series, Kidz Bop, which has made me lose my taste for kids and possibly kidz for that matter. This 12 volume series (not including holiday specials and yet-to-be-discovered mash-ups) gives kids the opportunity to sing all of the favorite songs you never liked. These pop hit abortions make a listener think maybe the parentz of some of the kidz may have been better off following suit. The tagline for the series is “Sung by kids for kids.” Just because something is intended for a certain audience does not mean it should be created by that audience. Roombas should not be built by lazy homemakers, dog food should not be made by dogs (or China), cold medicine should not be created by teachers and off-key kids should not sing on Gold albums.

As of now, nine of these albums have gone gold. However, since international thresholds for “going gold” vary, who’s to say Kidz Bop didn’t cook the books a bit in this area. As compared to the 500,000 minimum in the U.S., an album only needs to sell 35,000 copies to go gold in The Netherlands and only 10,000 in Poland. This makes sense because on the one hand you would have to be really high to wrap your mind around the Kidz Bop concept, and for the Poles part, they are probably doing research for a new joke scapegoat (“Why do Kidz Bop kidz think their wife is killing them? Because they found Polish Remover…oh…wait…no…).

Finally, someone has bottled up the magic of preteen karaoke! For anyone older than fifteen, these albums transport us to a time of mandated elementary school musicals and awkward school dances. Cue up Kidz Bop “Sounds Off on The Sound of Music” since “these are a few of my favorite things!”

Some songs make a listener think “these are just kids living kid lives!”

In Sheryl Crowe’s “Soak Up the Sun” they shriek, “My friend the communist/holds meetings in his RV.” Ah, who among us doesn’t remember that white trash friend in 6th grade who could be found reading Critique of the Gotha Program in the corner, lobbying for universal school lunches, and inviting you over to view “some literature” in his RV while his proletariat parents stood in Panera bread lines.

Some songs make a listener think “these are just kids with a childish curiosity for infidelity!”

On their rendition of Frankie J’s “Obsession (No Es Amor),” the fake-out adult Frankie voice sings, ”We can do this all night/ Now I don’t care if you got a man,” and the kids reply with ”Baby, I wish you’d understand.” That’s just your run-of-the-mill nine year-old boy trying in a legitimate falsetto to overcome a C-block from a married woman’s husband so he can find out what’s really in her heart/what a vagina is.

Sometimes the results can be confusing as with the butchering of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone,” where the crooning about a love lost is “kiddified” into a seemingly darker reference to remembrances of a dead brother. KIDZ BOP RULES! Most of the videos give the viewer a sense that a snuff film could break out at any moment. THAT’S HOW MUCH KIDZ BOP RULES! When the adult sings the verses, a viewer wonders if a man or woman stands off screen manipulating a child as a human hand puppet. KIDZ BOP HAS UNSEATED THE BRITISH MONARCHY AND OFFICIALLY RULES ENGLAND!

When a teacher asks students what they want to be when they grow up, they have to assume that inevitably one will fail and develop a massive drug habit. Meet your starting line up of Kidz Bop! How could parents legitimately allow their children to do this? If kids will be child actors at least force them into roles that could garner some inkling of respect. At least Jodie Sweetin had a tagline she didn’t lip sync before vacuuming meth. These kids are the Milli Vanilli’s of child actors, and their parents knowingly wish this upon them! At $19 for one CD it’s like taking candy from a bunch of doomed babies!

I leave you with the video of Kidz Bop does Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.” The video speaks for itself, but here’s a running commentary for the first thirty seconds:
0:00 Shoot me.
0:08 “Yeah man thanks for the blow last night! Shelly, the one in stripes, did everything!”
0:13 Creepy.
0:17 We’re in store for a literal representation of the song. Nothing says “crazy” like contorting your face with tape. KidZ are CraZy, that’s who!
0:30 Here come the flashlights! Someone put a stick in my mouth because epileptic seizures to this soundtrack never felt so good!