Asshole Cop*

Roll down the window and put your hands on the steering wheel, ma’am. Do you know how fast you were going? Well, I’ll tell you. 70 miles per hour, five miles over the legal limit on this highway. Kindly put your bosoms away because they’re no use to you here.

Didja not see the signs? Is that your excuse for putting countless lives at risk on this deserted highway at 1 am? Let me tell you a little story about another person who wanted to put lives at risk.

Once upon a time there was a kid who got beat up at school a lot. When he’d come home, his mom liked to put her cigarettes out on his arms. After barely graduating high school, he became a cop so he could finally direct his pent up anger by walking around arrogantly and flaunting his skewed version of authority.

Do you know who that person was? That’s right. It was me: Officer Douchebag. And every time some lady like you speeds by my radar, it’s like another cigarette burn in my arm. Now I get to dish out my own brand of justice. Are you Latina or light skinned African American by any chance? No? Just tan? That’s fine. Just asking.

At this point I’m going to go back to my car and run your plates. It only takes about 30 seconds to do, but I’ll make you sweat for 10 minutes or so. I’m actually jerking off back here, but my boner has nothing to do with you. Oh no. It’s the power.

I know that the worst I can do to you is give you a ticket, which you’ll probably find a way to get out of anyway. So the least I can do to feel satisfied is make you late for wherever you’re headed. I may even force you to do a sobriety test even though there is no evidence whatsoever that you’d been drinking. Your embarrassment and aggravation are all the reward I need.

On your way home, enjoy thinking about how your taxes pay for the continuation of my unhealthy obsession with power. Now you have a good day, ma’am.

One way to get out of a speeding ticket (Not recommended).

Know your rights when dealing with the Asshole Cop.

For more people that make commuting more annoying, click here.
While you’re there, flip the bird to Cuts You Off Then Drives Insanely Slow.

*Contemptster.com has the utmost respect for police officers. Every occupation has a few assholes, though, and the police are certainly no exception.

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