Self-Righteous Baby Boomer/Former Hippie

March 18th, 2008 . by contemptster

Submitted by Crazy Carl Himself

I don’t understand why you still live in this house with your mother and I even though you are 24. When I was your age, I was living on my own…
(In a day-glo painted VW van with 11 other college dropouts.)

And had already moved out of my parents’ place…
(Because I was following the Grateful Dead around the country, and indiscriminately boning hot hippie protest broads unprotected. Every girl you bang off Myspace might be your half-sister.)

And living out in the real world, being an adult…
(An adult who did more acid than the audience of a midnight showing of “2001: A Space Odyssey” in 1968, and battling demons and talking snakes in this said real world.)

And supporting myself financially…
(By selling drugs, and shoplifting from every store I went into.)

Your mother had also moved out of her parents house at age 17…
(Because she ran away with a 29-year-old ultra militant Black Panther, giving your grandfather a heart attack.)

And was completely self-sufficient as well…
(If you don’t count hitchhiking or having to huff a few dongs here and there to get from place to place, or to have a place to stay.)

I know you’re in debt…
(From college, because me and your mother blew your college fund when we ran up huge credit card bills in the late 80’s. Did you know a Camcorder cost like $1,000 back then?)

But you need to work harder to get yourself out of it…
(I know you already work 50 hours a week, but have you considered a second job?)

One day you will want to buy a house…
(Speaking of which… You want to buy this house? It only cost your mother and I $40,000 in 1977, and we’ll sell it to you today for the discounted price of $650,000.)

And have a family…
(Of no good rotten slacker children like yourself and a reformed whore/former feminist like your mother for a wife.)

And settle down…
(Like we did after you were conceived in a heroin fueled haze at an Allman Brothers concert.)

And be a law-abiding, successful member of society, like your mother and I…
(If you don’t count the insider stock trading tips we receive and use to pad our retirement account, and the bogus charitable contributions we claim at income tax time. Oh, and by the way, your mother and I haven’t had sex in 11 years. I’m about two weeks away from being interviewed by Chris Hanson on “To Catch a Predator.”)

You seem to need structure in your life, you should join the Army and go off to Iraq…
(Unlike me, who hacked my pinky off to avoid a bullshit war.)

Anyways, I’m glad we had this chat. Now get off this computer and go out there and get a second job.
(And leave me alone to find Jimmy Buffett tickets and porn on the internet.)

For more everyday assholes, click here.
While you’re there, get an earful from the Unsolicited Advice Giver.
For more of Crazy Carl Himself’s musings, click here.
Email the man at CrazyCarlHimself@gmail.com

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! 1 bar