Premature Exasperations: The Tray Collector

February 22nd, 2008 . by contemptster

The mall food court is a common fall back lunch spot for many, and Bryan is no different. Although the food stars as the main attraction, apparently the trays are the true commodity. Check out past columns at the Premature Exasperations Archive.

The Tray Collector
By Bryan

Nothing satisfies that noon hunger like a trip to the bowels of Manhattan Mall. My food court routine consists of convincing myself that I will not make the same mistake with the Bourbon chicken, making the rounds for free samples of Bourbon chicken, and then making the same mistake with the Borboun chicken. It’s fatty and oily and afterwards takes me by the hand like I’m an ill-behaved child and sits me down in the time out stall.

However, this is not about the food. Nor is this about the lingering stale rag smell on the tables or the smelly lingering loiterers on the tables.

This is about food trays and the mall that loves them. I’m not one to just make up stats, but I would say the food court devotes 87.4% of its staff to collecting trays. The 0.4% refers to the trace amounts of staff left on the trays, e.g., staff hairs, staff nails, staff staph.

The collectors have no mercy for leisure eating. If half of your food is gone, the tray is fair game. Hell, I’ve had them approach right after paying for my food. True story.

If Bush wanted to get information out of Gitmo detainees, he would send over tray collectors. They will break a man down, steal his food, and leave him for dead. This is all done within ten minutes of your arrival. They have no time to waste. I imagine a nebulous shadowy figure (like the Mastermind in Police Academy 6) that controls all of his Manhattan Mall minions and if the collectors don’t deliver their quota of trays, consequences ensue.

“Come, come and show me your spoils.”
“Hiya boss…uh…I only have 100 trays”
“Oh this disappoints me greatly since you know you need 105 trays or else…”
“Oh no…not…not that.”
“Yes! It is to the Bourbon chicken sample post with you!”
“No!!!”
“This amuses me! And I will kill you!”

After that, I imagine it starts to go downhill. And if it was just one collector making the rounds it would be one thing, but once you shoot one down, another is close on her heels. Each successive collector is more persistent and more vindictive than the last. Once one of them asked me for my tray to which I responded that I was not finished. He then asked for the one on the bottom, since I had the trays stacked.

He had a hawk’s eye.

Then he took the tray and used it as a shoehorn to slide me out of my chair and onto the table. He then called over some tweens to make fun of the stains on my pants.

I hope he gets his in Hell. But then again they are collecting trays in the basement food court of Manhattan Mall. Perhaps he’s already getting enough of his…

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