Premature Exasperations: Rain Boots, Hooray!

February 15th, 2008 . by contemptster

It was a wet one out there this week! Although a Bryan rarely makes it out of his cave, he peeked his head out long enough to notice that one particular gender welcomes the rain (Hint: Aliens would never describe them as “Tripods”). Check out past columns at the Premature Exasperations Archive.

Rain Boots, Hooray!
By Bryan
A rainy day does not excite me. I understand that what I’m saying goes against the sensibilities of ecologists and livelihood of some wild life. Sure, I can get on board with an apocalyptic frog rain or even a Weather Girls rain of men (just to see it happen), but soaking rain, rain does little for my emotional well-being.

However, this particularly rainy week made me realize that my seemingly universal opinion about rain is clouded by factors like my gender (male), my hair (curly and frizzy) and my underwear (super absorbent Brawny towel diaper). My gender would seem moot in this discussion, but many a female rain boot wearer would attest to the contrary.

For me, rain breeds a foul mood, but for many females it brings joy. Far be it from me to turn this space into a misogynistic playground, but a woman’s excitement over rain boots seems really, really, really stupid.

“Yay, 2 inches of rain! I get to wear my rain boots!”

This common female refrain on a rainy day (or “God’s Wet T-Shirt Contest”) just sounds selfish and short-sighted. A female rain booter prays for rain. The sky sees a woman donning a pair of retro, calf-high rain boots in the shape of a rocket ship with a retrospective collage of Scott Baio images and it can’t contain itself. It forces them down and shoots liquid all over them because they are literally asking for it. While the rest of the population miserably plods through the sky’s sick, females happily trudge through it with ridiculous looking footwear making it clear to all that their rain prayers helped cause the day’s weather.

Some have whales on them and some have puppies. Some are riddled with pre-seizure spots and some have seizure inducing stripes. It appears that the uglier the style, the better. The practice of tucking the pants inside the boots (normally a prevention technique to combat a pack of mice on the loose) only highlights the gaudy footwear in a way usually reserved for male strippers’ cheetah thongs stuffed between inner thighs.

The question is why? Why would ladies get so excited to wear ugly, bulky shoes in bad weather? The only reason I can figure is because they are godless. A zany, colorful abomination is a direct affront to God and his miserable weather. Would you wear a “Toga! Toga! Toga!” to a funeral? No, unless it’s the long overdue, final goodbye to the Latin language.

So what’s a man’s option to cope with the rainy weather out in the real world? I figure one of these three things work:

1) Whiskey
2) All day Port-o-potty lounging
3) Rain boots (steal a gal’s rain boots and make sure you aren’t the only one miserable in the rain)

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