Premature Exasperations: A Penny Saved Is a Free Time Burned

September 28th, 2007 . by contemptster

Homeless Penny
Premature Exasperations appeared all but lost for a few weeks, but it was just finding itself backpacking through Europe (vicariously through a DVD)! After some searching, PE found itself as the same old crotchety “jag-off” it always had been. To celebrate this return, Bryan talks about his most hated capitalistic foe: The Penny!

A Penny Saved Is a Free Time Burned
By Bryan

I bought an apple and soda yesterday that came to $2.75. As you know, The Preemie E, only rolls with fives and above so I tried giving the lady $5.74 with a shrug. I thought, “Just give me the quarter and bills.” She responded, “You know it’s 2-75?”

She wouldn’t give me the penny! I had to search the ground for one. Of course there was one about a foot away since, pennies are on par with foster kids—they’re throwaways.

Has anyone ever seen a World Wildlife Federation rep dive to the bottom of the sea to save one shrimp? Of course not, it’s worthless. Red Lobster will keep having all-you-can-eat shrimp extravaganzas as long as butter is still available. And butter will ALWAYS be available. It’s a similar exercise in futility to save pennies. Saving a penny has transformed into a mere hobby of grandparents and grandparent transients.

I thought I was going to go deaf last week from all of the screaming coming from Wal-Mart stores across the country. No, I’m not talking about the cries from children after being “reprimanded” by their parents.

“Don’t you ever run away from me like that again!”
WHAP!
“I’m never going to buy you that bike or feed you if you’re going to embarrass me like this!”
WHAP!
“Oh, look at that, a sale on rubber hoses! One for me and one for you…if you don’t start acting right!”

Something about Wal-Mart breeds PDA (Public Displays of Abuse). No, the cries I speak of went more like “The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!” Due to the weakening of the dollar, the Canadian dollar, the loonie, became equal in value.

How bad does it have to get domestically for Bush to realize his resources are needed at home? The loonie is equal to the dollar! Canucks wearing cheap, American henleys has to be a concern. Someone should put out an album called “NOW That’s What I Call Terrorism!” a collection replete with suicide bombers and Canadians paying American prices for US Weekly. I’m not sure how you turn that into music since I’m not a record producer.

The weakening of the dollar reminds me of the utter worthlessness of its inferior, the penny. I believe money must stand up to The Thai Strip Club Rule in the face of inflation. If you can’t throw it at a Thai stripper, then you shouldn’t throw it at a U.S. vendor. Of course I mean a Thai stripper in Thailand, not in America—that would just be mean. Nickel and diming Thai strippers on their turf is perfectly acceptable. Throw a penny at them and they will bite your dick off…with their feet! I don’t know how it works, it just does.

I found a penny on the street a few days ago and instead of picking it up, I threw some more pennies at it so it could clean itself up. They are so pathetic.

Can we just admit as a country that a corollary of inflation is the obsolescence of certain monetary denominations? The penny falls into that category. If you find a penny, a shirt button and lint in your pocket, what are you most likely to save? The button could come in handy, lint can always be used as a tiny pillow for your pet hamster or hermit crab, but a penny can go in the trash or The Magic Bullet Blender.

And for all of those Abe Lincoln sympathizers, fear not. His face still graces the five dollar bill. Everyone loves the five-spot. It makes paying people back easier, it makes your wallet feel fuller and more valuable, but doesn’t make it explode like dollar bills. Lincoln must be looking up from his weekly fireside chat in Hell* with disgust when he sees a penny spent. We are all slaves to the penny and he can do nothing to emancipate us.

*Southern states view

Lincoln Face Off