A Pitch To Red Eye

A few weeks back I was making fun of Greg Gutfeld, the host of Red Eye on Fox News. A writer from the site The Daily Gut commented on the article and we had a friendly back and forth. Well, being the quick witted lad that I am, I finally realized the The Daily Gut is Greg GUTfeld’s website. You’ve got to wake up pretty early to fool me. What did I go and do? I burned a bridge that’s what I went and did.

If you haven’t seen Red Eye it’s a “pop culture” talk show that often features bloggers as guest commentators. Yes, it’s come to that. The abundance of crap television has expanded so much that bloggers, the catfish of the media food chain, are now valued guests. Well, I’d like to throw my hat into the ring. I could use the extra $50 dollar appearance fee and Olive Garden gift certificate.

Red Eye features one gabby host, three in-studio guests, and two guests via satellite all with the purpose of droning on about the “issues of the day” like Paris Hilton and blah blah blah. Well I’ve watched the show and six people isn’t nearly enough. I’m throwing my hat into the ring. Straight off my eloquent and not nervous at all appearance at the Brooklyn Blogfest I think I have what it takes to be the keystone seventh Red Eye commentator.

Here are the Red Eye guest qualifications. Qualification that I have pretty well covered:

1. I’m really, really pleased with myself. If there’s a hallmark for the Red Eye guest, it’s an inflated sense of self. I have it in spades.
2. I think I’m funnier than I am. If Laurie Dhue can crack and laugh at her own jokes, so can I!
3. I have knee-jerk reactions to all stories Muslim.
4. I need to be famous.
5. I’m available.

So here I am Red Eye. When your director is just itching to cut to one more camera, one more guest, and when that millisecond of silence creeps into the show, I as the seventh commentator will fill that void. With my enormous ego, somewhat witty and clever jokes, an “all Muslims are wacky” mentality, insatiable ambition for the spot light, and a blank calendar it’s clear that this is what I was born to do.

Here’s a clip from Red Eye. Sometimes it feels like an SNL sketch. They keep cutting to guest, after guest, after guest. I keep waiting for them to cut to some pimply-faced kid via his webcam.

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