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April 11th, 2007 . by contemptster

We pride ourselves on two things here at Contemptster. First, we take pride in our readers and contributors. If you’ve written a great contempt-filled blog or submitted a Contemptster idea, we will post that sucker. Maybe not immediately, but your writing or ideas will one day share these hallowed pages with MySpace Whore and Public Nail Clipper. There aren’t many sites that can guarantee that.

The second thing we pride ourselves on is our ability to stay up on current events. You know, like the Imus and that Harry Birkman case. So with that said, here’s a post about Double Dare Contestants sent in by Mr. New Parent, Crazy Carl Himself.

Double Dare Contestants

The following may have taken place in my living room at 3:23 AM. I might have been under the influence of alcohol and narcotics.

Mark Summers: Welcome back to Double Dare! Okay Blue Team, this question is for $100. You can either answer the question, or you can dare the Red Team, and pass the question to them. Here it is: 2+3 equals…

Blue Team: (Turns around and huddles) whisper whisper whisper whisper

Me: (the home audience, talking to myself) The answer is 5 you fucking morons. I hope I wasn’t this dumb when I was 12. I guess I wasn’t, because I managed to graduate college, lose my virginity, and learn to add two-digit numbers and even fractions at some point. $100 would cover my football losses from last weekend…

Blue Team (turning around and huddling up): Dare!

Mark Summers: Okay, now this question is worth $200. Red Team, 2+3 equals…

Red Team: whisper whisper whisper whisper

Me (smacking myself in the face repeatedly): You have to be shitting me. These kids can’t handle the fucking pressure. This episode must be from 1988, and that must be Alex Rodriguez. How can you not know that the answer is 5? Were you born on Planet Earth? When I was 12 years old, $200 would have come in mighty handy. I would’ve been the envy of my neighborhood. Jane Smith would’ve deflowered me in the park, my life could’ve changed so radically… Shit even now I could use that $200. That’s a good night at Delilah’s Den (Editor’s note: I’m guessing this is a Jersey strip club). Come on, just answer the God Damn question, you fucking geniuses.
Red Team: Double Dare!!

Mark Summers: Okay Blue Team, this question is now worth $400. You can answer the question, or you can go for the physical challenge. 2+3 equals…

Blue Team: whisper whisper whisper whisper

Me (Scratching out my own eyes, then trying to break an empty 40 bottle of Olde English over my skull): Don’t take the physical challenge. Think it through Blue Team. $400 is $200 apiece. You can buy a bike with that, or a PSP. You can buy 50 comic books. It’s too much of a risk going to the physical challenge. $400 will put you into good shape to do the obstacle course. Of course you want to make it to the obstacle course don’t you? Don’t waste your time and mine putting on those gay little bicycle helmets, and then putting on those large pants, and trying to catch rubber frogs, or pies, or whatever in them. You’ve laid a brilliant trap on the Red Team. They thought that if they didn’t answer the question, and Double Dared you that you’d go to the physical challenge. That’s why they passed up that $200. They knew you want to jump in a kiddie pool of vanilla pudding or fake vomit. Don’t let them trick you like that. Just answer the question and take the fucking money, morons. You’ll have plenty of time to be covered in vomit, or pudding and to smell like cabbage. It’s called your 20’s. The Answer is 5! The answer is 5! Are you really this dumb? Just answer the question. If you don’t answer the question I am going to find out where you live today, and torch your house…

Blue Team: PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!

Me: I hope that you get stuck in that Big Giant Nose full of fake snot on the Obstacle Course, and suffocate to death you Goddamn idiots. Where’s my blowtorch?

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