“You look fabulous! Who are you wearing?”

“Well, the top is Calvin. I just love Calvin. The sunglasses are brand new Marc Jacobs. The capris I picked up at Dolce and the boots from Prada. They’re gorgeous and I just had to have them. This bag, of course, is Louis. Oh, and this is a scarf I found at a flea Market while vacating in Paris.

“The pretentiousness? That I was born with.”

Related: From Jezebel.

Contempty says: If you think that the initials on your sunglasses or purse somehow make you a better person, you are sadly mistaken. In fact (and this is going to come as a huge surprise to you), your dependence on designer fashion labels is like a giant neon sign pointing out all your insecurities and self-esteem issues. Everyone can see your pre-teen chubbiness written all over that oversized Louis Vitton purse. And that cute guy who rejected you in high school because you found out he said your nose was too big… yeah, we know about him and how your D&G sunglasses help you to forget that it ever happened, like some kind of designer lobotomy. And clear as day, we can all see your desire to be the center of attention despite the fact that you have no personality or any other qualities that would otherwise make you stand out in a crowd. So the next time you want to show off that expensive new designer piece of shit you’ll be paying interest on for the next four years, remember: we know who you really are.

For more everyday assholes, click here.
While you’re there, check in with Fashion Label Whore’s close friend Designer Bag Girl.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Dude, this rooftop bar is tha-shiiit! It’s such a nice night out. Oh, what’s that a whiskey sour? Yeah that’s going to give you a hangover. I would’ve gone with something with a clear liquor—not as many toxins.

Such a nice night out. Man, 9/11, what was that shit about? I remember I saw the towers fall. That shit was crazy. Man, could it be any nicer out? Twin towers, saw that shit from a rooftop not too much unlike this one. Oooh looks like you got a stain there. Again, should’ve gone with something lighter than that whiskey.

This is fun. Who do you know here? Oh you went to college with that girl? Nice, nice. Yeah college was a blast, right? I remember smokin’ bomb kush back in the day and just getting fucked up! Speaking of bomb, what’s with all of these kids killing each other in college now? Fucked up shit, man. Back in my day kids would never just go in and shoot other kids with guns, I mean maybe a fist fight, BAM BAM, but never would get guns involved. All of that senseless bloodshed, man, really makes you think. PAR-TAY!

For more recreational dick holes, click here.
While you’re there, enjoy a flick with the Movie Theater Dick.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Wow! Another friend request from a random guy! I know I have 1,952,318 friends, but I have a feeling this guy is the one. He clearly asked to be my friend because of my personality and not the bikini picture where I’m sucking on a Popsicle and you can see part of my nipple.

When I was younger I wasn’t very popular. The kids all called me Fatty Flatty Pig Snout. Of course that’s all changed since the stomach staples, fake boobs and nose job.

For some reason most girls don’t want to be friends with me, but that’s probably cause they’re jealous bitches. LOL!!! Whatev! All I know is 1,952,318 horny guidos can’t be wrong!

Hobbies/Diseases: Modeling, singing, herpes, cutting, carpel tunnel syndrome, dancing, shopping and TMJ disorder.

For more pop culture jerks, click here.
While you’re there, ghost ride the whip with some Hyphy Culture enthusiasts.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

I’m just gonna put this right out there for ya: I’m a M.I.L.F. I see the way my daughter’s boyfriends look at me. Yep, still got it.

I’ve managed to go from being the whore in high school to a respectable single parent holding down a job and a mortgage. Sure I play it straight from 9 to 5, but the second I get home or go to the supermarket or pick Ashli up from school, I like to unleash my sexy side. All it takes is rummaging for a few minutes in her drawers to find out what’s “in.” And if she can pull it off, so can I because I made her. The only difference between Ashli’s 17-year-old, perky, flawless body and my stretch marks, razor burn, bleached mustache and tree trunk legs is one word: experience.

One day, her best years will be behind her and she’ll wake up and realize that not even total whores can compete anymore. That’s when you gotta up the ante and emulate your daughter in order to glean an iota of self-esteem.

Personal Motto: You don’t know me! I look goooood!

Hobbies: Creating Myspace pages and adding my daughter’s friends as my friends, hot flashes, using household appliances in ways they weren’t intended to be used, trying to book myself on daytime talk shows, sending semi-nude photos to school administrators

If this lady creeps you out, also check out White Chicks and Gang Signs.
There’s plenty more public behavior nightmares here.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

Yeah, I’ll answer my cell phone while I’m in a movie theater. Come on, man, that’s clichéd. Talking on the phone is the standard sign that you’re a movie theater dick. I’ve done it and I’m proud of that. I’m special and no one’s going to tell me to be quiet.

But see I’ll also kick your seat. I’ll put my knee up on the back of it and bounce my legs up and down. Then I’ll quickly remove them and slam into my seatback with no regard for the shins of the unlucky customer behind me.

I’ll text message for long stretches with the sound on or I’ll just talk throughout the movie picking apart every plot hole.

I’ll leave my blue tooth in my ear with the bright green light flashing every two seconds because I embrace technology and want to show it off to the world.

I do these things and you’re not going to do anything about it. Go ahead and tell on me with your little tattletale wireless remote device, that won’t stop me. I’m impervious to insults and I’ll tell you to just move your seat if you have a problem with me. I’ll fight for my right to be rude to the bitter end. So deal with it: you’re missing the movie.

For more people who make you want to lock yourself in your house and never go out again, click here.
While you’re there, buy the Hot Head at Bars a Zima.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

When Entertainment Tonight, Extra!, or Access Hollywood need a go-to celebrity ass kisser, I’m the one they call. I’m an expert on all things pop culture. Why do we need experts to cover things that anyone with a television and half a brain can figure out on their own? That’s the beauty of it. Most people have the TV, but not the brain.

So I’m needed to breakdown the complicated prime time television line up. Who on Grey’s is fucking whom and whatnot. I can list all of the gaudy, overly expensive cars and jewelry any given star has purchased in the last year, because they’re better than you. I’m a journalist who answers the tough questions like “Who’s cooler: The Killers or Bloc Party,” and finds out how exactly JT is planning on bringing SexyBack.

Interests: VH1, Billy Bush, cool people

More on Access Hollywood here

For more pop culture jerks, click here.
While you’re there, put on some sandals and your most broken in Abercrombie baseball cap and meet up with the Dave Matthews Band Fan.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

I hate smoking, smokers, and smoke. If you smoke around me I will give you a dirty look and perhaps a snarky comment or fake cough. Smoking is gross and you’re gross for smoking. I don’t smoke and you shouldn’t either and if you can’t make that choice for yourself I will do it for you. I have the moral high ground.

Now that we fought the good fight to ban smoking from those dens of sin, bars, it’s time to take our fight to the streets. I want public outdoor smokers banned. Just look at them, all smug with their cigarettes and sunglasses and laughter. Look at them not caring what I think, not concerned with the fact that I don’t smoke.

We need to raise cigarette prices and taxes. So what that smoking is more prevalent in lower income areas. I went to Vassar. I know what’s good for these people.

If you’re a friend of mine who dares to “smoke socially,” I will take the cigarette out of your mouth and break it. I will give you a lecture of cigarette’s ills. I don’t care if you’re drunk and having fun and only do it once in a while. Not my concern. I don’t care if I kill your buzz. Better than killing yourself. You will thank me.

Interests: Banning smoking, Gilmore Girls, The View, Political Correctness, Vassar Soccer, Galas, Dad’s Yacht

For more everyday assholes, click here.
Then jump over to the Public Behavior tab to check out the Rude Smoker.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

All right, self, it’s almost 6 o’clock. Don’t panic. Just act natural…

But we’re socially awkward!!

Shut up! I said don’t panic! We will find something to do tonight if it kills us. As long as we don’t have to go home to the wife and kids everything will be fine.

Why don’t we have a mistress? We’re a VP for Christ’s sake. Ted is an assistant VP and even he’s got one.

There’s no use crying about it now. We’re on a mission. Look, there’s a group of young go-getters. Let’s see what they’re up to. Just be cool. Act like you’re one of them, as if you couldn’t ruin their entire careers on a whim.

“Hey, fellas, where we goin’ tonight?”

Good job, self. The “fellas” said we’re here for a good time and “goin” was just casual enough.

“I sure could go for a beer. Maybe even a titty bar to end the night. What’s the plan?”

Careful, we’re sounding desperate. Titty bar was too much.

“Any of you see the big game last night? I can’t believe that idiot coach!”

Bail out! Bail out! They’re onto you! Look at them trying not to laugh. They want to laugh at us! We’re a vice president, dammit! We could squash them each like a bug! Time to reassert our authority.

“Feingold, if I’m not mistaken you have a cost report due on my desk first thing in the morning. I suggest each of you start learning to pull all nighters or you won’t last very long here. Consider that free advice.”

Well done, self. Well done.

Click here to off your boss!

For more office jerks, click here.
While you’re there, check out Creepy, Lurking Office Creep.

---

Contempt-o-meter Vote here! (No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...

You all know me. I come in many different flavors. Sometimes I just don’t look where I’m going and bump right into you. Other times I’ll be talking on my cell phone and cross the street in the middle of traffic forcing you to jam on your breaks. You may have even seen me standing on the left side of the escalator blocking you from walking up. I likes to takes my time.

One of my favorite tricks is crossing the street right before the light turns green and then making all the cars wait for me to finish my leisurely stroll. Whenever you see me, rest assured that I don’t give a shit about inconveniencing you and I will not learn my lesson. I’ll be pulling the same shit tomorrow and the day after that. See you soon, fuckers!

Contempty says: a) Doesn’t Look Where He/She’s Going – You are walking with such reckless disregard that if I realized you were blind, I’d still have to shove my foot up your ass. b) Talking on Cell Phone instead of paying attention to traffic – Hey, sweety, shut the fuck up. Before cell phones, did you feel the need to talk incessantly wherever you went? If you did, then you’re one of those crazy homeless people, a New Yorker or both. Relearn what it’s like to be silent and think your own thoughts instead of having your ditsy ass girlfriend telling you what to think all the damn time. She doesn’t know shit, but you treat her opinion like gospel. What gives? c) Crosses street slowly just as the light turns green so all the cars have to wait – This is just balls. The least you could do is that pretend jog thing people do to make it look like they’re TRYING to hurry. The one where they swing their arms back and forth, but don’t actually change the speed of their gait. You don’t even give enough of a shit to do that. No amount of honking my horn will ever express how deeply I wish your dad had erectile dysfunction so you’d never been born. d) Stands on the left side of the escalator – Lazy assholes and gimps to the right, please. Those of us who actually have somewhere to go would like to get there today. e) Stops short in the middle of the sidewalk – Are you serious? I don’t think you know how close you just came to getting anally penetrated by me. MOVE! f) Slow walkers – If you feel like taking a leisurely stroll, do it on your own time, not rush hour. Stay to the right or