Ladies, I have all the secrets to getting a man. Take it from a woman, nothing attracts men like false advertising.

If you have small boobs like I do, push them up, pad them, hoist them with weights and pullies and smoosh them together with duct tape. Get clever with any extra skin you may have. Guys like curves, ladies, so pretend you have some. Think: “What would a female, flat-chested McGuyver do?”

It won’t be long before you’re getting ogled and whistled at. At that point, you should have no problem picking any man of your choosing. Should the action progress to the bedroom, make sure you’ve padlocked the doors and painted the windows shut because once he finds out he’s been duped, that man WILL try to escape.

Remember, I said I knew how to get a man, not how to keep one.

Contempty Says:Ladies, false advertising is counterintuitive. Don’t reel us in with the promise of bountiful bosoms just to reveal that you’re sporting a pair of mosquito bites, no pun intended. This line of reasoning is the same genius thinking that has you all telling us you’re younger than you actually are. Newsflash: When you say you’re younger, but you look older, it just tells us you are aging POORLY. When it comes to finding and keeping a man, honesty is the best policy. That and blow jobs. Those work, too.

For more awful public behavior, click here.
While you’re there, check out White Chicks and Gang Signs.

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The IO Digital cable reggae rap commercial mixes stereotyping with repetitive lyrics to hook the audience. It’s catchy and a person can unconsciously start singing it if they aren’t too careful. But would you rather watch the actual commercial or watch someone trying to imitate the commercial?

Watch the videos and choose wisely. Don’t forget to check back to see the results. Thanks for voting!

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Every once in a while celebrities write in to get something off their chest. Here is one of those letters.

Hello everyone, or should I say “hey ya?” It’s me, Andre. Andre 3000. You may remember me from such acts as Outkast, and films like Four Brothers, Idlewild, and the soon to be released Semi-Pro with Will Ferrell. I’m just writing to say hello, and ask whether or not you noticed my cover of New York magazine. No, you didn’t? Well I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the issue, heck, you probably own it. You may know it as the “Lindsay Lohan cover“, or the “nude Lindsay issue“, but my friends, I grace a cover of that issue too.

I’m not bitter or anything. Hell, everyone’s been talking about that issue. And hey man, girls got some nice breastage, a little too freckley for my tastes, but definitely SpottieOttieDopaliscious. I just wanted to clarify that I’m on there too. See, there’s a neat little trick that magazines do sometimes, they have covers on both sides of the magazine, so when you flip the magazine over, it looks like another issue. You see it a lot with that magazine Complex. Ever heard of it? No? Fuck, because I’m on the cover of that too.

Don’t believe me about being on the New York cover? I am for real! Give this a try, take the magazine you have with Lindsay Lohan on the cover and flip it over. Ready, do it right…now

O HAI!!1! Expecting a Jack Daniels or Dior ad weren’t you? Nope, it’s me! ME, ME, ME, ME!

Yo, that’s it. Nice chatting with y’all. Be sure to check out Semi-Pro when it enters theaters sometime after waaaay too much promotion. Peace.

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Wow. Just… wow.

You may know these two disasters better as the most powerful couple in the free world (and, yes, that does include Brangelina because technically they’re the most powerful couple in the third world).

Using any type of argument, explanation or rationalization, can you find one thing that’s RIGHT with this picture?

Give us your best shot in the comment section below.

For more “What’s Right with this Picture?” fun, click here!

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Last week I traveled around the Midwest driving from Tulsa, OK to Wichita, KS, and finally to Kansas City, MO. I wanted to post more often however I ran into an old problem - Websense. As mentioned previously, Contemptster is marked with the red letter “T” for we are The Tasteless. As such, we’re banished from any computer employing Websense and marking “tasteless” as one of it’s banned criteria.

The Wichita Marriott allowed me to post simple and easy, though they clearly have their own issues to deal with. The Double Tree and Embassy Suites were not so kind. Ironically, these are both Hilton properties. If they want to keep their computers free of smut they may want to have a talk with a certain heir that they may know fairly well.

But for serious, what is more tasteless: The Top Ten Worst Celebrity Boobs Part 1 & Part 2 or The Hottie and the Nottie? You decide. To be honest, I’m on the fence. Top Ten Worst Celebrity Boobs is pretty damn tasteless. Wouldn’t you agree, Founder?

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Somehow, Brad Renfro didn’t make the cut last night at the Academy Awards. Unless I missed it, he wasn’t included in the tribute. My wife didn’t even know he was dead, was somewhat devastated and immediately jumped online to read about what happened. Brad Renfro should have been included. It’s a shame he wasn’t.

I’m re-reading The Informers, a book that is being adapted into a movie, Renfro’s last. He’s perfect for a Bret Easton Ellis novel, and I have a feeling The Informers will create some buzz when it’s released. Perhaps Brad Renfro will get his due at next year’s awards.

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Everyone has a creepy co-worker. At Contemptster World Headquarters it’s Dan. You may recognize him from the photo in Creepy, Lurking Office Creep. Adding Dan and his creepy stare to any situation automatically makes that situation seem somehow dirty. Go ahead, add the words “…while Dan watches” to the end of any sentence and you’ll see what we mean. In this segment, we hope to prove that Dan’screepiness needn’t be confined to the office. He can sully any scenario under the sun just by his sheer presence alone.

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Click here to see all of Dan’s creepy adventures!

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