Last Saturday, I went to see a matinee of Cloverfield. I walked into the theater just as the previews were winding down and found a seat using my foolproof system for maximizing comfort and avoiding Movie Theater Dicks (see terrible diagram on the left): sit on the aisle, no one in front of me, no one behind me. This provides a buffer from those who like to kick your seat, slam into your knees, rustle with plastic bags, and talk to their friends. I also timed it so I would be one of the last people to enter the theater. But, like all good plans, it works great on paper and not so great in real life where assholes abound.
Two minutes into the movie and one last man stumbles into the theater. He’s carrying two large plastic shopping bags and talking to himself. Fuck. “Please sit down, sir. No need to make your way towards the back of the theater” I say to myself hoping to connect with this man via ESP. As he slowly ascends the stairs he gets closer and closer and I’m beginning to accept my destiny: he will sit behind me.
As I try to concentrate on the beginning of the movie, he kicks my seat several times while planting himself down in the chair behind me. For the next five minutes he plays with his plastic bags, taking out stuff, shoving them under his seat, repositioning them, and repositioning them again. At the ten minute mark he says, to no one in particular, “this is some boring shit!” which, though true, was the first of many loudly pronounced opinions about the movie. A seat kick here, a drunken mumble there, and some random remarks about the monster killing Republicans sprinkled in, the movie finally ended. Cloverfield’s 80 minute running was a godsend.
So I’ve given up. Like fighting a giant monster with no discernable weakness, planning is fruitless when trying to combat the Movie Theater Dick.
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Two workout equipment “innovations” are ready for their day in the sun, but which is more ready? The contenders are the strangely erotic iJoy and the Tony Little inspired abortion, The Gazelle. Which one do you think most deserves an all expense paid trip to the sun courtesy of Contemptster.com? 
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The New York Post, 
