Contemptster is coming back full force in the New Year with new segments, new jerks to make fun of, and new interactive internet insanity A.K.A polls. After Christmas, on say Thursday, we’ll get the blog kicked back up and running with some “end of the year cliché list bullshit”. Until then, bask in the warming glow of one of Planet Earth’s great talents: Heidi Klum.

Not only does Heidi have the talent of being born with great genes, but she also possesses the skill of using those great genes to marry a successful pop star. This allows her to awkwardly hire his song writing friends and use his home studio to take advantage of her other “talent”: “singing”.

Only David Hasselhoff could be more embarrassing to Germany’s musical tastes than the following Christmas song performed by Heidi Klum. Sorry, I shouldn’t be so negative around this time of year. Even though Heidi’s voice could probably cut the fog much better than Rudolph’s nose I’ll end with a compliment. She does have some fabulous tits. Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!

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Go ahead… tear open the envelope… take out the card… And… BOOOO!!!

Oh god look at us posing on that Christmas card like two snot-covered gargoyles. Remember us? Your third cousin’s kids? The twins? That’s right we’re back. And we’ve somehow gotten uglier since last year’s card, the one where we’re dressed as elves pretending to steal gifts off Santa’s sleigh. Classic.

This year things are a little different. We know all about Santa and frankly we’re pissed off. So as you can see in the photo, we’re sitting in front of a Christmas tree predicated on a stack of lies, stone-faced and still snot-covered. Our identical faces never grew into our noses like you all hoped. So it looks like we’re stuck with them until we’re old enough to ask “Santa” for cosmetic surgery.

Go ahead and hang the card up behind the others on your fridge to shield your holiday guests from our horrific, disproportioned visages. Try to enjoy this one while you can. Soon we’ll be going through puberty and those cards will look like crime scene photos compared to the one in your hand.

Happy holidays from the Twins! See you at the next funeral!

For more everyday assholes, click here.
While you’re there, check out the Jeopardy Watcher Who Shouts Out the Answers.

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As you may have heard, South Korea, who is hell bent on causing some major cloning disaster, cloned three cats with a “manipulated fluorescent protein gene” which could be used one day to help cure genetic diseases in humans. They also glow in the dark when “exposed to ultra violet beams” so they have that going for them too. In honor of this “breakthrough in science” here’s a lolcat/lolclone inspired by the fine folks here.

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Since 2002 football fans have debated who is better: Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. For years Manning had the mind blowing stats while Brady had the rings. The last year has seen this relationship flip-flop with Manning winning his first Super Bowl in January and Tom Brady conducting quite possibly the best statistical quarterback season in history. So the debate rages on.

Luckily, like millions of other nerds disguised as sports fans, I play fantasy football. This week Peyton Manning and Tom Brady go head-to-head in my league’s playoffs. And who gets the check mark next to quarterback? That’s right, advantage Brady.Time to end the debate.

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As if divorced people weren’t selfish enough with their needs, they are also selfishly using up more of the environment to live their opulent, commitment-free lifestyles. At least that’s what the lamest study of all time reported today. Divorced people, because they have two households put more of a strain on the environment. Fanfuckingtastic, yet another problem we can do nothing about.

So many questions need to be asked of this study such as: What of the divorced homeless? Were they factored in? What of the legally separated? Why do they get let off the hook? What of the bachelor who lives alone? Will gay marriage advocates hook their wagon to this cause? Does this make a married oil man like say, George Bush, green? Can we admit that we’ve lost it a little bit over this green stuff? Did I leave the oven on?

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Poyboy T. Nostrand and Lance “Rock” Leggs are the thin belt wrapped around the junkie arm vein of the gossip world — they have it on lock down, but when they let loose they fill your body with the warming sensation of celebrity news. They are also the newest contributors to the Contemptster Empire. Here are Poyboy and Leggs.

Thiz week Rock Leggs iz workin' alonez. Sorry Poyboy is be in Poyboy. So here's my crack: Yo, celebs y’all CELEBRITIES! I love them. Life is nothing wit out the CEL-EB-BRI-TIES dogs! My favorite celebs of the moments are the cast of High School Musical. Talk about straight up talent. They can sing and they can lip sync. Word. Shits not as easy as it looks. I once had to lip sync and it’s like your lips gots minds of they owns. They want to screw up the lyrics but your brain is like, “no get the lyrics right!” and your lips are like “dude, I’m trying but this shit is HARD!”

You know who else is on pizz-iont? 4 Strings. This dance band is the Atomic Neutron BIZZ-omb. The Enola Gay don’t drop bombs like 4 Strings, n’om saying? I can dance all night to this on only one 8 ball. ONE! And maybe some E. But THAT’S IT! OBVS OMG!!!!! Wit out furryado, here it is your Da Super Phat Hot Ass Video of the Wizz-EEK:

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