Premature Exasperations: Kids these days are on a roll!
August 31st, 2007 . by contemptster
After a long hiatus filled with phlegm and shame, Premature Exasperations is back and hotter than symptomatic menopause! This week Bryan tastes the latest in childhood trends, and doesn’t much care for it.
Kids these days are on a roll!
By Bryan
Back in my day the shoes kids wore had flat soles, and possibly velcro (depending on if you were the kid who was relegated to piss his pants in the corner while wearing mitts to keep from picking and stealing “things”).
BACK IN MY DAY, the soles of a shoe meant something. They were a testament to a walking history like the rings on a tree or the wrinkles on a hooker. These days the kids don’t have to walk everywhere.
They swoop.
They glide.
They roll.
Of course I’m talking about the roller shoe craze. As if these accident prone idiots didn’t have enough things to occupy their time with and put their sticky hands on.
Hybridization engineering has gone too far. Roller shoes are a Frankensteinian abomination on par with O-Town and the spork.
“Sure we’ve put caffeine in everything and have cars with electricity, but what can be the new “NOW” product”
“Ok, ok, I’ve got it. Can we somehow infuse shoes with say caffeine…and possibly some sort of vitamin”
“Perfect! We all know why Martin gets paid the big bucks. Give Martin a million dollars. Now, someone take it a step beyond…”
“I know! Kids like shoes.”
“Everyone, shut up! Martin is speaking again. Yes, yes…”
“And kids like wheels”
“Yes, YES…”
“Introducing…”
“YES, GO ON….”
“KIDS ON TOP OF MOVING CARS!”
“Give Martin a country!”
Of course the real product dialed it down a notch, but the sentiment is still there. Nothing gets my goat and performs unlawful acts on it more than thinking I’m about to discipline another parent’s child and having that kid glide away from me at the last second. It’s like a bad Dennis the Menace episode or really good Law and Order (depending on your perspective).
Every time I see a kid get a running start and then lean back on their heel to roll through the momentum of their jog, I want to throw a stick in front of them.
Or throw an Exxon Valdez tanker accident in front of them.
Or throw a swordfish’s nose in front of them.
Or throw a bag of marbles in front of them.
Or throw a Ron Jeremy’s excited member in front of them.
Or throw a banana peel in front of them.
Or throw a John Wayne Gacy in front of them (that one I don’t mean…I was just putting my hat on backwards and going “over the top”).
Roller shoes are still better than crocs. Which is like saying that hermit crabs are better pets than rocks; Just because something moves occasionally doesn’t make it better (I stole that line from a necrophiliac).
One solution: Make kids prove they can wear the roller shoes. Pit kids against a professional roller derby team. A bunch of ten year olds in a Li’l Ring of Death getting flattened by foxy, brawny women on skates proves courage and great entertainment. What better way to lure kids in than with seemingly motherly affection; WHAM, they never see it coming! I’m definitely watching. Give me a million dollars.
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Gossip fiends unite! Here with all the important, must-know gossip is your man Lance “Rock” Leggs. Along with my partner Poyboy, we’re about to break the confusing world of celebrity news into tender, scandal-filled nuggets of information. From Hollywood to New York City and from Vegas to Miami we’ve got you covered in the party capitals of the world. What’s the capital of Montana? I have no clue, but I do know that Xtina Aguilera’s has jumped up a cup size. Does she have an a capella singing fetus growing beneath those sexy abs? Whoa whoa whoa whoaaa! Our sources say “definitely probably!” Poyboy, what you got holmes?
Hate to the the bearer of bad news for Christina’s bod but it appears as though ChreeAggs DOES have a genie growing in her bottle! My insider sources tell me that the conception secretly took place under a hairdresser’s smock while she was getting extensions. Shocking to all of those who thought she had cleaned up her act. I mean she goes and does something like this! She gets extensions! This rubs me the WRONG way, Leggs. 
“I was on my way to work this morning walking in a tired zombie-like walk and low and behold there’s a woman standing on the sidewalk with her dog strapped to the front of her chest like a baby. All it’s legs were flailing about. Everyone that walked by stopped to take second look. Apparently these carriers are popular. I looked on line and saw that there’s all sorts of human-like pet carriers. Hasn’t anyone heard of a leash?”
The Contemptster Movie Character Hall of Fame seeks to highlight and enshrine the most annoying and contemptible movie characters of all-time. 
