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Top 25 Jerks

(as voted by you)

  1. Fashion Label Whore
    4 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 104 votes, average: 10 out of 10
  2. False Advertising Chick
    3 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 103 votes, average: 10 out of 10
  3. Dick Bartender
    1 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 10
  4. Ugly Stripper
    1 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 101 votes, average: 10 out of 10
  5. Fat Woman in Tight Clothes
    1430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 101430 votes, average: 9.9 out of 10
  6. Excessive Cubicle Decorator
    9 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 109 votes, average: 9.89 out of 10
  7. White Chicks and Gang Signs
    2 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 102 votes, average: 9.5 out of 10
  8. Inconsiderate Umbrella Walker
    10 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 1010 votes, average: 9.4 out of 10
  9. Guy Who has to Point Out that You’ve Put on Weight
    5 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 105 votes, average: 9.4 out of 10
  10. Pseudo Punk
    20 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 1020 votes, average: 9.35 out of 10
  11. Myspace Whore
    31 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 1031 votes, average: 9.32 out of 10
  12. Poseur
    12 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 1012 votes, average: 9.25 out of 10
  13. Scary Sexer
    4 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 104 votes, average: 9.25 out of 10
  14. Guy Who Drives a Car with a Booming Sound System
    9 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 109 votes, average: 9.22 out of 10
  15. The Bitchy to Girls Bitch
    11 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 1011 votes, average: 9.18 out of 10
  16. Public Nail Clipper
    16 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 1016 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  17. Boss Who Pretends to be One of the Guys
    9 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 109 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  18. Stop and Chat
    7 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 107 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  19. Under-Enthusiastic Lover
    4 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  20. Split the Check Jerk
    4 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 104 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  21. Asshole Cop*
    2 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  22. Destination Wedding Couple
    2 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 102 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  23. Sexist, Condescending Office Prick
    1 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 101 votes, average: 9 out of 10
  24. Sport Hunter
    7 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 107 votes, average: 8.86 out of 10
  25. Karate Guy
    6 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 106 votes, average: 8.83 out of 10

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    Premature Exasperations: Kids these days are on a roll!

    August 31st, 2007 . by contemptster

    Derby
    After a long hiatus filled with phlegm and shame, Premature Exasperations is back and hotter than symptomatic menopause! This week Bryan tastes the latest in childhood trends, and doesn’t much care for it.

    Kids these days are on a roll!
    By Bryan

    Back in my day the shoes kids wore had flat soles, and possibly velcro (depending on if you were the kid who was relegated to piss his pants in the corner while wearing mitts to keep from picking and stealing “things”).

    BACK IN MY DAY, the soles of a shoe meant something. They were a testament to a walking history like the rings on a tree or the wrinkles on a hooker. These days the kids don’t have to walk everywhere.

    They swoop.
    They glide.
    They roll.

    Of course I’m talking about the roller shoe craze. As if these accident prone idiots didn’t have enough things to occupy their time with and put their sticky hands on.

    Hybridization engineering has gone too far. Roller shoes are a Frankensteinian abomination on par with O-Town and the spork.

    “Sure we’ve put caffeine in everything and have cars with electricity, but what can be the new “NOW” product”

    “Ok, ok, I’ve got it. Can we somehow infuse shoes with say caffeine…and possibly some sort of vitamin”

    “Perfect! We all know why Martin gets paid the big bucks. Give Martin a million dollars. Now, someone take it a step beyond…”

    “I know! Kids like shoes.”

    “Everyone, shut up! Martin is speaking again. Yes, yes…”

    “And kids like wheels”

    “Yes, YES…”

    “Introducing…”

    “YES, GO ON….”

    “KIDS ON TOP OF MOVING CARS!”

    “Give Martin a country!”

    Of course the real product dialed it down a notch, but the sentiment is still there. Nothing gets my goat and performs unlawful acts on it more than thinking I’m about to discipline another parent’s child and having that kid glide away from me at the last second. It’s like a bad Dennis the Menace episode or really good Law and Order (depending on your perspective).

    Every time I see a kid get a running start and then lean back on their heel to roll through the momentum of their jog, I want to throw a stick in front of them.

    Or throw an Exxon Valdez tanker accident in front of them.

    Or throw a swordfish’s nose in front of them.

    Or throw a bag of marbles in front of them.

    Or throw a Ron Jeremy’s excited member in front of them.

    Or throw a banana peel in front of them.

    Or throw a John Wayne Gacy in front of them (that one I don’t mean…I was just putting my hat on backwards and going “over the top”).

    Roller shoes are still better than crocs. Which is like saying that hermit crabs are better pets than rocks; Just because something moves occasionally doesn’t make it better (I stole that line from a necrophiliac).

    One solution: Make kids prove they can wear the roller shoes. Pit kids against a professional roller derby team. A bunch of ten year olds in a Li’l Ring of Death getting flattened by foxy, brawny women on skates proves courage and great entertainment. What better way to lure kids in than with seemingly motherly affection; WHAM, they never see it coming! I’m definitely watching. Give me a million dollars.
    roller


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    News Stories Strike A Blow Against Torture

    August 27th, 2007 . by contemptster

    Is today the worst day ever for torture? It’s been a long time since Braveheart made torture cool again, but today may just be the worst day for the torture lobby since the Vietnam era. Two major news stories, each one striking hard at the very core of torture rights.

    First, Michael Vick is expected to plead guilty for his role as financier of a dog fighting ring where dogs were tortured and killed. He is expected to serve at least a year in prison.

    Then came the surprise of the day. Alberto Gonzales, the man who made the legal case for torture, despite the Constitution frowning against it, resigned as Attorney General. The hard work of finally getting a pro-torture man in high office shattered like so many psyches in a sleep deprivation ward at a secret U.S. Military prison.

    Just a miserable day for torture no matter how you look at it.


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    Premature Exasperations: A Retrospective

    August 24th, 2007 . by contemptster

    Bryan has a “fever” (glug, glug, glug) and has tagged out of his Premature Exasperations duties this week. So instead, I thought we’d take a walk down Premature Exasperations Photography Lane.

    If there’s one hallmark of a Premature Exasperations post, other than it being really, really long, it’s the Microsoft Paint altered photos. I feel like they provide a window into Bryan’s mind – and it’s some scary shit. Have you ever seen the movie The Cell? Bryan’s mind is much freakier than Vincent D’Onofrio’s character, although, coincidentally, both like to hang themselves from hooks. I Just thought that was weird. Anyway, here’s a retrospective of Bryan’s Microsoft Paint Edited Premature Exasperations Photography Series. Pithy title, I know.

    Nursing Home w/ Balloons & Keg
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Nursing Home
    Critic’s Note: Notice the subtle placement of the keg and pilsner glasses adding to the realism of this doctored photo.

    Oyster-agra
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    oyster
    Critic’s Note: A playful critique on endangered species vis a vis our overly medicated society.

    Laser Panda
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    laser panda
    Critic’s Note: Who hasn’t dreamed of pandas with laser eyes? Bryan takes these dreams and makes them a reality.

    Sofa w/ Forties
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Sofa Chair Party
    Critic’s Note: Here Bryan examines the root causes of America’s addiction to malt liquor and television in a brutal yet humorous way.

    Airplane Asshole
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Airplane Asshole
    Critic’s Note: Bryan’s take on minimalism is executed to perfection. Note the delicate placement of the lines. It’s almost like the character is actually on the plane. Remarkable.

    Lion with Trucker Hat
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    lion
    Critic’s Note: This is the image Warhol was striving for all those years.

    Bearded Funnel
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Kegger
    Critic’s Note: An early work but one that best demonstrates the raw emotion Bryan can convey. This image saddens me, but I like it.

    Don’t Gotta Get a Dell
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Dell
    Critic’s Note: For the first time Bryan uses words in his art. A watershed moment.

    Post-it on Forehead
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Sticky Note Facial
    Critic’s Note: Tour de Force. Plain and simple. The thumbtack imagery tickles my senses.

    Reading Pigeon
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    Reading Pigeon
    Critic’s Note: Not his best effort. I liken this to “Dogs Playing Poker”.

    No Pandas
    Bryan
    Found Image/Microsoft Paint Editing
    2007
    sad panda
    Critic’s Note: A hard hitting, rebellious image.


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    Contemptster Live Blog

    August 23rd, 2007 . by contemptster

    Ok, I’m going to sort of do a live blog here. I’m going out for a break and I’m going to take a picture of the oddest thing I see in that five minute time frame. Then I will post the picture here. This should be exciting.

    Well that was pretty much a total failure. I didn’t see that much strange stuff outside. Considering I work in an area full of crazy people I thought this would be easy, but it wasn’t. Should have done this yesterday when there was a guy dressed as Santa Claus handing out fliers. But here’s the top three and a poll on which is most odd.

    This guy was wearing a white tank top, white jeans, and walking a white dog. I wonder if he color coordinates all of his pets.
    white on white

    The line at the news stand was crazy long with people wasting money on the lottery. In their defense there is a huge jackpot that they won’t win drawing tonight.
    lottery line

    The Sun. It was odd seeing the sun after 5 days of gloomy overcast skies.
    the sun
    Here’s the poll. Sorry, I’ll do better next time.

    Most Odd

    View Results

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    The Poyboy & Leggs Weekly Gossip Rodeo

    August 22nd, 2007 . by contemptster

    pb and lPoyboy T. Nostrand and Lance “Rock” Leggs are the thin belt wrapped around the vein of the gossip world — they have it on lock down, but when they let loose they fill your body with the warming sensation of celebrity news. They are also the newest contributors to the Contemptster Empire. Here are Poyboy and Leggs.

    Lance “Rock” Leggs
    Lance "Rock" LeggsGossip fiends unite! Here with all the important, must-know gossip is your man Lance “Rock” Leggs. Along with my partner Poyboy, we’re about to break the confusing world of celebrity news into tender, scandal-filled nuggets of information. From Hollywood to New York City and from Vegas to Miami we’ve got you covered in the party capitals of the world. What’s the capital of Montana? I have no clue, but I do know that Xtina Aguilera’s has jumped up a cup size. Does she have an a capella singing fetus growing beneath those sexy abs? Whoa whoa whoa whoaaa! Our sources say “definitely probably!” Poyboy, what you got holmes?

    Poyboy T. Nostrand
    poyboyHate to the the bearer of bad news for Christina’s bod but it appears as though ChreeAggs DOES have a genie growing in her bottle! My insider sources tell me that the conception secretly took place under a hairdresser’s smock while she was getting extensions. Shocking to all of those who thought she had cleaned up her act. I mean she goes and does something like this! She gets extensions! This rubs me the WRONG way, Leggs.

    Leggs
    Lance "Rock" LeggsThanks Poyboy and I can only see things getting more Dirty as this story progresses. Now we head to the heavy trance Mecca of the world – Germany (obvs!!)! We hear that the extras injured on the Tom Cruise set are threatening lawsuit! But the biggest accident on set, according to our moles, was not the truck turning over! We hear it’s Tom Cruise’s attempt at a German accent! Achtung baby! Poyboy?!!

    Poyboy
    poyboyThat’s right Leggs, turns out the only German thing more offensive than a Hitler tribute mustache is Tom Cruise’s accent. If his BET motorcycle dance and this accent are any indication of his body and tongue movements, I think I know why he had to brainwash Katie Holmes into sleeping with him. OOOH POYBOY GITTIN’ CAT-TAY!

    Bonus Video Clip of the Week: iio’s Rapture!


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    Bitchy to Girls Bitch Supplement Video

    August 21st, 2007 . by contemptster

    Since today is Bitchy to Girls Bitch Contemptster Day here’s a video of two Germans fighting after a pole dancing lesson goes wrong.


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    Toolsday: DSCs - Definitely NOT Cute

    August 21st, 2007 . by contemptster

    I’ve been so busy here at CHQ so I asked my wife to help me out with today’s post.

    ME: Do you want to go first?
    WIFE: No you can go…well, fine, last night…
    ME: No, no you better let me start.
    WIFE: Fine.
    ME: So, funny story, last night I was trying to think of a post for today and I got a text from my friend Mike.
    WIFE: We’ve known Mike since college and he was even in our wedding party.
    ME: He was my roommate freshman year.
    WIFE: God do you remember that dorm room.
    ME: Oh my god, it was tiny.
    WIFE: I can’t believe you made me stay over in that room.
    ME: Yeah, so anyway, Mike texts me with an idea for a post about storytelling duets couples.
    WIFE: No, no, it was Duet Storytelling Couples.
    ME: Right, DSCs.
    WIFE: So, I thought this would be a great idea for a Toolsday post.
    ME: Well, I actually got the text first and I was thinking about Toolsday right when I got it.
    WIFE: But it wasn’t until I said “honey, this makes a great post idea.”
    ME: No, you were watching The Hills when I got the text, schmoopy.
    WIFE: Well anyway WE decided it would be the perfect…
    ME: …Toolsday…
    WIFE/ME: …Idea.
    WIFE/ME: Jinx!
    WIFE/ME: HAHAAHA!
    ME: God we…
    WIFE: …Are so…
    WIFE/ME: …Cute!

    Welcome to the Tool Room Duet Storytelling Couples. Your act is cute only if you think, say, nails on a chalkboard is cute. You’re not on the Vaudeville stage, people. I think one of you telling the story is sufficient.

    toolsday 13


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