It’s just another manic Monday so who better to take over the site than Crazy Carl Himself? Here Crazy Carl Himself lights an eternal flame for Mike Miller of Staten Island cable access fame in what is by far the longest post we’ve ever had here at Contemptster.
The Ballad of Mike Miller
By Crazy Carl Himself
This is my favorite story of all time, so I think I will share it with you.
Me and my girlfriend had a tradition last year on Wednesdays. We would watch “Lost” at 9 PM, and ponder the mysteries of the island. At 10 P.M., we would watch “Joey G. Presents”. Joey G. Presents is a show on the local cable access network here in Staten Island. Joey G has a business which videotapes weddings, sweet sixteens, bat and bar mitzvahs, and other assorted important events. Apparently, when you sign a contract with him, you give him the right to air the most glorious day of your life on Channel 35 at 10 PM on Wednesdays.
In May of 2006, me and my girlfriend and her sister were enjoying our weekly tradition of Joey G. Presents, and making up plotlines and backstory for the local Staten Island crazies who attended that week’s sweet sixteen or wedding. Now, when you see the name “Mike Miller”, you may think of 2000-2001 NBA Rookie of the Year Mike Miller. Perhaps you went to school with a dude named Mike Miller, which seems like a fairly common name. Me, I think of a story on par with the worst Greek tragedy.
In that infamous May 2006 edition of Joey G. Presents, we were introduced to Alana, a Staten Islander holding her Sweet Sixteen at a local catering hall. As per Joey G.’s usual arsenal, this is how the party is condensed into 1 hour, made for television.
10:00- 10:15 Pictures from Alana’s youth, from baby pictures through that evenings festivities, taking place February, 2006.
10:15-10:20: introduction of the Sweet Sixteen Party. I find it odd that the best friends of a sweet sixteen girl are introduced like a wedding party.
10:20 to 10:21: Father giving awkward speech about daughter.
10:22 to 10:44: Video of 15 and 16 year old girls dancing over-suggestively to Promiscuous Girl and other songs about putting out, with 16 year old boys getting closer to them without grinding.
10:44 to 10:59: The Candle Lighting Ceremony. This is where Mike Miller makes his debut, like MacBeth, entering stage right. The metaphor works well here, because a woman will be Mike Miller’s downfall.
We watch Alana read a 40 page script, and invite people to light candles 1-4, and 10 through 16, and the lucky one at the end, usually reserved for someone who has died on poor Alana. Joey G. knows we are busy people who do not care about Alanas’ aunts and uncles and cousins, and edits out candle 5 through 9 to fit his show. Candle 16 is the aforementioned Mr. Mike Miller himself. Alana gives a touching speech about Mr. Miller, about how they are best friends, and he is always there for her, and she will always be there for him. She refers to the fun (not great, but fun) times that they have had over the years, and she hopes they will continue.
We are left with ambiguity as to whether they are dating or not. She never uses the word love, or even like. In fact, the speech sounds very similar to the one Rosemarie gave before I lit her 13th candle at her Sweet Sixteen back in the mid 90’s, when she was a sophomore, and I was a lowly freshman, and we were making out everyday for 3 months at my house after school, but not technically dating, and I am fairly certain only 5 people knew about our “trysts”.
However, we find out Mike Miller is not a lowly freshman or even sophomore during Alana’s touching sixteenth candle speech. However, she completes her speech, and up saunters Mike Miller, from stage right, onto our television, and hugs Alana and kisses her on the cheek, and helps her light her sixteenth candle. Her last words before that happen haunt me. Those words are “Mike, I hope you don’t go away to college this fall.”
The summer before I went away to college, a lot of people said I shouldn’t go away to college. They were all fucking wrong. The girls who said it were prudish bitches who treated me like dirt. My close friends who were talking shit about me behind my back, and sabotaging me with chicks to my face. I remain glad to this day I went away to school. I found myself, got action, and had tons of fun, and partied a ton. Here was Alana, clearly a cocktease on the order of Jenny Curran from Forrest Gump, telling Mike Miller not to go away to school. He should’ve slapped her in the face right there in front of 15 lit pieces of wax. But, he just went with the awkward hug and cheek kiss.
I wish this story had a happy ending like mine did. It doesn’t. In Late October 2006, me and my girlfriend were at Stop and Shop, on Staten Island, and there was a dispute over the price of carrots. The Cashier grabbed that creepy batphone looking thing, and ask Mike Miller to come to register 8. Sure enough, the Mike Miller, that Mike Miller arrived at the register, Stop and Shop shirt on, to settle our dispute. He worked at the grocery store, and I could not foresee, based on the calendar that he was “home” on break. I think he didn’t go away to college, as per Alana’s orders. Mike Miller made the biggest mistake of his life. I wished I had musical talent, so I could write a song about Mike Miller. It would go like this:
The Ballad of Mike Miller (to the tune of no song I can think of)
Mike Miller from Alana’s sweet sixteen, of the 16th candle fame
Mike Miller, don’t fall for it, playing her game.
She will never let you go all the way.
Yet she’s commanding you to stay.
Mikey, rule of thumb from my experience is this.
Please, please don’t take this as a diss.
Don’t make the mistake trading 20 pieces of poontang for one.
She is not worth sacrificing all that fun.
She wants you to chase and chase and chase.
At some point, you’ll cut bait and end up saving face.
She wants you all to her self forever.
But when will she have screw you? Never.
Pack your bags and never look back.
Don’t ever ever ever crack.
Chasing her and not catching her isn’t a thrill.
She won’t fuck you, but away at school, 15 girls will.
Ohhhhhhhh, The ballad and blues of Mike Miller.
I don’t want to talk about the 2,000 pound goriller.
But, if you know a girl five years, and she hasn’t fucked you yet.
Go away to school, that’s where the gettin’s good, and a guy like you will get.
Fin De Song.

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