Meteorologists can’t even tell you what the weather will be this weekend, but every year around this time they love to predict months into the future. That’s right, it’s hurricane season prediction time! Hot off their 2006 prediction of 17 named storms falling far short with only 10, the fear mongering continues with the 2007 predictions. Surprise, they predict 17 named storms this year! Buy duck tape! Buy generators! Buy plywood! Move inland!

Let’s try to get the 5 day forecast squared away before we start playing Nostradamus.

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Contempt-o-meter
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NY Post Article 1

“Iran has charged three Iranian-Americans, including a Manhattan-based academic, with being members of a U.S. spy ring, officials in Tehran said yesterday.
Kian Tajbakhsh, a former New School professor, and two women could face the death penalty under Iran’s Islamic law.”

Tomato, tomahto, but treason is punishable by death under the United State’s Christian Democratic law. Not saying what Iran is doing is right, but it’s the same shit we do here. “Iranian law” would have sufficed. It’s their law why does it matter how it was influenced? Oh, right, the terrorism. And the Fear. Terrorism and fear.

NY Post Article 2

“John Benjamin, 49 - in downtown Brooklyn to pay a separate traffic ticket - left his Jeep Grand Cherokee parked in a No-Standing zone for only a few minutes with a friend who can’t drive in the passenger seat before he was hit with another $95 fine.”

A rat with a brain 1/1000 the size of a human will stop going after an electrified food pellet after one attempt. Mr. John Benjamin, fuckhead as you are, surely you shouldn’t be parking in a no standing zone WHILE PAYING ANOTHER PARKING TICKET. And this “I was only” bullshit isn’t winning any sympathy from me. Why does everyone think they’re entitled to stretch and break rules because “I only doing it for a minute” and “I was just being a douchebag.” Fuck you. Double parking is a hazard. You cause traffic, you cause accidents, and you are a fucking moron. Pay your ticket and stop whining to a piece of shit rag of a newspaper.

NY Post Article 3

“This weekend gave us an opportunity to tackle our most important ‘hot topic’ yet and that was the power of forgiveness, and I believe that we’ve begun that process,” she {Hasselbeck} said.

I’m so happy that the former host of VH1’s Stand-up Spotlight and the fourth place finisher on Survivor Season Two: Australia have managed to allow the forgiveness process to begin. I, for one, will be anxiously following this absolutely batshit news story.

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Contempt-o-meter
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Let me just say this straight of the bat, we love this guy. In this day of the internet, discount mega-stores, informercials, and the better business bureau, old school showmen are a rarity. Not since the days of Vitalizing Youth Tonic, snake oil, and the Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson road show has a man so captivated an audience with his funky wares. He’s been featured in Vanity Fair and other sites, but I hadn’t heard about him before I stumbled across him setting up next to a heap of garbage bags outside of Penn Station. This video is for him and the Old School.

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Phew! Who knew pleasuring a woman could be so exhausting? I don’t know how much longer this one man band can keep it up.

I’ve got my tongue doing 138 Licks-Per-Minute down below while I hum the Canadian national anthem backwards in the key of F sharp. The licks are left to right 70 percent of time, up and down 20 percent and counter clockwise 10 percent. My left hand is flicking the left nipple ever so gently with my index finger while right hand is alternately pinching her right nipple and caressing the nape of her neck. My right leg is contorted in such a way so that my foot smacks her ass every three licks.

As a fail safe, I’ve managed to curl my left leg so that the big toe is poised at the back door. Her heartrate and heavy breathing indicate arousal, yet after 57 minutes I can’t seem to bring it all home. All right, big toe. You’re on. Don’t let me down!!

(39 minutes later)

Bingo!!!! Great job, everyone! Who says there’s no “I” in team? Chalk up one more satisfying sexual experience.

For her.

Hobbies: Multi-tasking, doing as I’m told, masturbation

Contempty says: I’ll give extra credit to whomever can spot the metaphor in this post. Hint: It’s the video.

To meet other relationship-related butt holes, click here.
While you’re there, show the Under-Enthusiastic Lover some love.

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Do you want links? Do you check your Technorati ranking every ½ hour? As we state in our About section, if you submit, comment, or participate in any way we will link to you. That’s it. We’re easier than a college freshman after a keg stand. Do this and you can be just like these lucky sites that received one more link to validate their blogs and lives:

Daily Gut
Midnight Brown

And here’s the latest in user submitted photos:

From Boston Bob
PDA
“Dood, mah girls wicked haht”

From Donny
Collar Up
“Yes, I am a tool bag, but thanks for asking”

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There are a lot of reasons I haven’t played golf in seven years: golf is boring, I suck at golf, people rarely invite me to do things etc. That streak ended this weekend, however, but I encountered a new reason to stay off the links: Assholes Who Hit Into You, Deny It, And Try To Start a Fight With You. But that doesn’t really define them. These guys were something greater, douche-ier, with an asshole quotient that exceeds most mortal men. These guys were Massholes.

As Bill Simmons decreed a few weeks back we could be living in the Year of the Masshole. Between Red Sox fans, reality TV “stars” and an unprecedented feeling of entitlement, Massholes have hit their stride in 2007.

Possessing ear grating accents, all-round douche bag demeanors, and the signature Red Sox cap we ran into some big-time Massholes on the golf course this weekend. We’re talking Boston College graduate type Massholes. Massholes who are educated, think they can get away with anything, and who have never done anything wrong in their life. As my Dad always joked about Boston College, according to its fans the school has never lost a game in its existence. It’s always, “the ref screwed us on that play” and “the other team got away with something on that play.” The sad part is that it’s true, these people exist, and we were face-to-face with them.

On the second hole, we’re wrapping up and jumping into our carts when I hear a faint, “fore” and a nanosecond later a ball banging off the back seat of the cart we were sitting in. Then on the next two holes balls go whizzing by our ankles as we’re retrieving our tee shots. We finally confronted them and they responded using the Masshole’s patented arguing strategy, D.I.C.K.

Deny: With raised voices deny doing anything wrong and deflect all the blame to your opponents. “We didn’t do it, but if we did it’s because you’re playing too slow.”

Instigate: Now stand as close to your opponent as you can, yell into their face and try and instigate a wicked bad fight. Ya dood.

Concede Nothing: “I didn’t hit into you and that’s the last time I’m going to say it young man!” A line is now drawn in the sand.

Kick Some Ass: Time to throw down.

We avoided the last step because they were much older and past their primes. We went on to enjoy the rest of the day, mysteriously with no more balls hit into us. But there’s a lesson here somewhere and I think it’s this: stay away from Massachusetts! That place is full of fucking dick heads.

Massholes, ya dood, you guys ah wicked goin’ in tha fuckin’ Tool Room. Maybe you can try and scoah with tha bah fly, chief.

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Holy shit that was a long week, but now it’s over. Have a great long weekend everybody! If you head to the beach I have a request: please video tape and send any video of Obnoxious-Radio-At-The-Beach Fuckheads you encounter. And If you hit the amusement parks, make sure to buckle up.

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Don’t Just Take Our Word for It, there’s plenty of contempt, humor, and dare I say schadenfreude happening on the internet. Here’s a quick sampling of what has caught our eye.

1) Awful Announcing
When the French, Left Wing Nut Jobs, and Rosie O’Donnell call out Americans as dumb, unsophisticated, violence-starved, ignoramuses, my rebuttal to them is this: Bow Fishing.

2) Daily Gut
Speaking of Rosie O’Donnell, here’s the argument everyone is talking about between the Rosie and a yapping Chihuahua. Plus, some funny commentary from a guy who doesn’t think highly of our site.

3) east village idiot
And still speaking of Rosie O’Donnell, here’s someone els